Stupid cancer claim #1092: Rebound Treatment (with celebrity endorsement!)

"My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw cancer forever. We begin Rebounding in five minutes."

While I still think Suzanne Somers is the biggest jackass in cancer, another jackass is closing in on her: If you haven't been introduced, his name is Leonard Coldwell. Dr. Coldwell. Dr. C to his friends.

Dr C was recently named to the Board of Directors of a great institution in America, the American Anti-Cancer Institute (AACI). Never heard of it? Forget it, the thing is a sham and a travesty. And instead of fuming over profiteering jackasses like Somers or Dr C, I want to get to the part that's equally funny and fucked:

Behold the grand credibility of the AACI: Under their list of proven cancer treatments is the use of the Rebound Mini-Trampoline.

This is not a joke.

It is but it isn't.

Remember these things from the 80s? What a disappointment they were! Real trampolines were so cool, but they were big, expensive. Someone's bright idea was to shrink it, remove all the fun, and sell it as a home exercise device. As the makers of stationary bikes, thigh-masters (yes you Crissy) and Bow-Flex machines can attest, this was a bright idea indeed because of the human propensity for buying these things in fits of passion over good health only to relegate them to the dust-bin in a month's time.

The web site pushing the Rebound Mini-Trampoline is partial to a few unproven, if not thoroughly debunked, hypotheses behind cancer, such as pH therapy and Linus Pauling's vitamin C crusade. They make several broad, patently absurd statements about the purpose and function of the lymphatic system, and about how rebounding helps the body "eat" cancer cells.

Fittingly, they include a celebrity endorsement, from who else? Why, the President of the United States … in the 80s, Ronald "Regan" (they couldn't be bothered with spelling his name right?). Said the Gipper, "If you see somebody jumping up and down on the second floor of the White House that's me rebounding."

Rebounding from what, Mr. President: critical reception of That Hagen Girl, John Hinckley Jr, Iran-Contra?

Nice try anyway. No one ever called it Rebounding. It's just sad-trampolining.

At any rate, no one would argue against exercise—even sad-trampolining—since it most likely contributes to preventing some forms of cancer in addition to warding off a laundry list of other diseases and illnesses. Recently, researchers have recommended light exercise for cancer patients undergoing the likes of chemo or radiation if they're able. But mini-trampolining a proven treatment for cancer?

Stupid.